No one understood why I was moving to China
When I told my co-workers, friends, and family that I was going to move 6,950 miles from home to take a management position in Beijing, everyone fell in two camps. Close friends and family were extremely supportive and thought that I would provide an enriching experience for my five year old daughter and have an awesome opportunity to explore Asia. Everyone else thought that I lost my mind. I was asked many questions and received a lot of unsolicited advice. “How will Gabriela deal with only having you close by?” “You just moved back to DC, why do you want to go so far?” “You’re too independent. You need to settle down. It’s not good for your daughter.” “How are you going to meet a man?” “Oh my God?!?! Why????” “You have a good life here. Don’t throw it away!”
Moving to China despite the challenges
Despite the mixed feedback I received, I decided to come anyway. Over a period of four months, I managed to sell our car and most belongings, get rid of our apartment, complete all of the paperwork required for my work license and visa, find a school for Gabriela and say our goodbyes. I really thought I was on top of things and being that I’ve been to Asia previously, I truly thought that my transition to China would be somewhat smooth and free of unsolicited advice.
I was completely wrong. Moving to China with a little one turned my world inside out. Almost everything familiar from our life quickly disappeared.
As someone who is used to being independent, living here quickly became humbling experience as I now needed to rely on others to complete even the most mundane tasks. One thing that remained familiar is the amount of help and advice given to me.
People’s reaction to me being a single mother in China
When people found out that I was here unattached with a child, at first it felt like they wanted to befriend me because I am a double anomaly to them. A chocolate skinned woman with no husband. Help generally came in the form of invites for dinner, donations of English/French books, completing errands on my behalf, and kid friendly outings…all of which I often and gratefully accepted. Soon enough, the questions started to come and I sensed not so much helpfulness as pity. “It must be so hard. Why did you want to come here?” these friends said, flattening me into a stereotype. Though, I’m not going to lie, it is hard sometimes. Coping with the high cost of school fees, worrying about the Ayi and wondering if she understood my instructions, worrying about how Gabriela will adjust to her school, figuring out how the shortest way to get Gabriela to school, so that I don’t get scolded by her teacher.
Over a drink one night, a new friend gave me advice that I took to heart. “You are really brave to come here, so be selfish. Make sure you make time for you.” This is a mantra that I have incorporated into my life. Gradually, I started to make more time for myself for a few hours every week.
Living in China is easier than living in the United States
As a result, when my pangs of culture shock started to fade to the background, I realized that living here is easier than at home. I have the help of an ayi who loves my daughter to pieces and I am lucky enough to be able to take time off work easily due to medical appointments or illnesses. If for some reason I need to bring Gabriela to work with me, no problem! My company has welcomed her with open arms and she is allowed to play with the toys and other children in the clinic. Sometimes, I would receive a last minute invite to go out and off I go, with Gabriela in tow. I have now realized that the questions and advice given from others comes from a place of curiosity, instead of judgment. Even better, I have freed myself from caring about why people feel the need to ask and have embraced it.
Being in China has not only improved our quality of life, but it has taught Gabriela to be more confident. She’s aware that her dad is not physically present, but that hasn’t stopped her from befriending others, learning about new cultures and morals, and telling others how happy she is to be able to go on orphanage visits with her mom, and travel to new places.
Our life in China is generally unpredictable, chaotic, and at times stressful. It’s also rewarding, exciting, and full of unlimited opportunities. For all of the single parents out there who are entertaining the idea of moving here, I hope you follow through and do it. I encourage you to have courage, step out of your comfort zone, and be selfish. When you make time for yourself, your little one(s) will also be happy as you will have a more balanced life.
Guest Contributor:
Edna Elizabeth: Full time teacher and single mother in China.
